


Just Speak

by MissFay7



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Aliens, Body Horror, Food, Gen, Outer Space, Poison, Suggestive Themes, talk of medical procedures, venom - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:09:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28418898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissFay7/pseuds/MissFay7
Summary: Janus and Remus being domestic.  Well, as domestic as they can be.
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, platonic dukeceit
Comments: 1
Kudos: 23
Collections: Sanders Sides 2020 Gift Exchange





	Just Speak

**Down Time**

“Say it. Say it, pleeeaze? Please, please, please, please-”

Remus is crouching in front of the kitchen table, only the top of his head and his fingertips visible from where he’s gripping the edge. His eyes are wide and teeth bared.

Janus is sitting across from him, elbows on the table, face in his hands, staring at Remus through his fingers. He looks tired and more than a little disturbed. 

“Remus, honestly? I don’t know if I can take another one. Do I enjoy a good philosophical debate now and then? Yes. That’s not this. You’re trying to destroy me!” He squints and sits up, lowering his arms. “It’s rude.”

“Hee! Last one, I  _ prom- _ ise.” Remus rolls the ‘r’ and jumps from his crouch onto the table. By the time he lands, he’s an eight-legged Boston Terrier, bouncing and giving Janus authentic puppy eyes - several of them.

Janus releases a shuddering sigh of defeat. 

“Fine,” he mutters through gritted teeth, a thousand-yard stare overtaking him.

“Pinky,” he asks. “Are you pondering... what I’m pondering?”

Terrier-Remus erupts into a full-grown side again, standing on top of the table. Janus leans back, looking up at him and grimacing.

“YES!” He cackles in triumph, then pauses, confused. “I mean, no!” He smirks again.

“Unless, of course, you are also pondering the expansion of the universe and its correlation to black holes, because if matter disappears into the black holes of our universe, yet we continue to grow, then that implies not only that pocket universes are forming on the other side of those black holes, but that  _ our own universe _ is  _ also _ a pocket dimension formed on the other side of a black hole we  _ cannot see _ \-  _ in a universe above our own _ \- supplying our universe with matter at such a rate that we cannot lose it  _ fast enough _ ?! And are you  _ further _ pondering whether life first formed in our universe or the one above ours, and if it formed  _ there _ first, does that mean that they put us here on purpose? Are they watching us? Are we just an experiment to them, CURSED,” he screeched. “-to struggle for the  _ sick _ curiosity of an ancestral yet alien race that may decide to terminate us at any moment?!”

Remus stands over him, hands clutching the air, panting at the end of his monologue. Janus stares up at him, mouth agape. Logan laughs.

_ Logan? _

Janus turns slowly, reluctant to take his eyes off the spectacle before him. Logan is sitting cross-legged on the couch behind them, apparently having watched the whole thing. 

“Hilarious.” He puts a hand to his chin. “The odds of Janus pondering that exact same thing at the same time are preposterous. Excellent joke, Remus.”

“Spaghetti!”

“That was  _ not _ a joke - it was an existential  _ crisis _ !” Janus yells at the both of them. 

“I am not sure why it should cause any distress.” Logan says evenly. “While it is technically possible for that scenario to be true, it is not  _ more  _ true now than it was before you were aware of it. And there is  _ literally _ nothing we can do about it, given our species’ current technological progress.”

While Logan speaks, Remus climbs down, sits at the table, and conjures a plateful of piano wire covered in marinara. He’s spinning a fork into the mess, nodding sagely all the while. Janus watches him take a crunchy bite.

“This is why Virgil left, you know.” Janus simpers, summoning a glass of… soup. 

“Oh, boo, Janny.” Remus speaks out of a second mouth he’s just added to his shoulder. It’s grin belies something sinister. “He left for  _ much worse _ reasons than that!”

Janus sighs into his wine. Logan walks over to join them at the table, summoning a notepad and pencil.

“Remus, could you describe what is happening to your teeth right now? I’m curious.”

“Absolutely!”

**On a Mission**

“Remus? Darling, where are you?” Janus calls from the kitchen. A shape appears to the side, just catching the corner of his eye. Remus is inexplicably soaking wet.

“Ah, there you are.” Janus claps his hands together. “Remus, dear, did you place this giant terrarium here just off the kitchen?” Remus peers into a thick jungle sprouting out where the oven used to be.

“Sounds like me, but I don’t remember. Are there dangerous creatures in it?”

“If the shrieks are any indication, undoubtedly.”

“Then, yes!” Remus shimmies, shaking off the water. Janus admires the spray, smiling.

“That’s exactly what I wanted, thank you. Come along, now, we’ve got specimens to collect.” With a flourish, Janus twirls around and strides into the foliage. Remus snaps his fingers, donning a stained and battered explorer’s outfit, equally as wet as before, and leaps in after him shouting something about ‘smashing!’.

**Working Late**

Remus tiptoes down the hallway, leaving a trail of flour-based footprints behind him. He’s dusted halfway up his shins with the stuff. He slows and stops when he sees the light still on under his target’s doorway. Janus is usually asleep by now. He twists the knob, willing the hinges to squeal with their utmost spooky capacity. 

The bed is empty and neatly made. Janus is at his desk instead, cape and hat hanging off the back of the chair. His gloves are nowhere to be seen. There’s a pen still upright in his hand, but his head rests on his arm and he’s fast asleep. Even the noise doesn’t stir him. 

Looming over his shoulder, Remus examines what was keeping him up so late. Small stoppered vials full of pale liquids are lined up in a specially-made wooden crate. Latex gloves, wash cloths, and a mask are discarded atop a metal tray. A pair of safety goggles are resting on Janus’ head. 

Half the vials are affixed with permanent labels in a clean handwritten script. The rest just have sticky notes and scribbled words. 

_ Taxine alkaloids, Taxus brevifolia _

_ Abrus precatorius _

“Oo hoo hoooo!” Remus claps excitedly as black tentacles tear through his clothing. They wrap around Janus and lift him from the chair with surprising grace. Janus only startles for a moment, settling back down when he recognizes the feel of the limbs surrounding him. 

“I’m nearly finished,” he murmurs. Remus just presses him down into the bed, tendrils pulling down the blankets. As the tentacles pull away, Janus shivers; nothing but his boxer briefs remain on him, the rest having vanished somewhere between the bed and the desk. He pulls the blankets up tight as Remus perches on the footboard. The tentacles are slowly slurping back into his body.

“Prenez une petite mort. Your nightmares are more interesting when you get more sleep.” Remus grins wide, revealing rows of shiny, dagger-like teeth. A tentacle passes by the desklamp and hits the switch. In the darkness, he sounds ravenous.

“Don’t worry. I’ll stay right by your side…”

“Fine. Goodnight, Remus.”

Janus sleeps soundly knowing nothing will get past his bodyguard tonight.

**Almost Ready**

“What scent should I use?” Remus has brought three different perfume bottles for Janus to choose from. “Ozone, battery acid, or  _ meat _ ?”

“Oo, tough call...” Janus deadpans, focusing on tying a bow onto the crate just so. “Sure you don’t have bloody mouse-y with a dash of hot sauce?” He slaps a hand over his own mouth when he realizes what he’s said.

“A classic! You got it, Santa-snakey.” Remus snaps his fingers. The first three bottles vanish, and a fourth appears. It’s filled with a thick, bright red paste. 

“For the love of Liza Minnelli, do  _ not _ spray that in here.”

**The Gift**

Logan sits unsuspecting in the living room having a cup of tea and reading an article about Maria Skłodowska-Curie on his phone. The dark duo appear out of thin air on either side of him, the rustle and movement of the couch his only clues, except… Logan puts his tea down. 

“Remus, what is that smell?” 

“Best not to think about it too hard,” Janus interjects. “Here.”

Janus holds a hand out before Logan, a mysterious shape underneath a black cloth. He flings the cloth away dramatically to reveal a present wrapped in gold-foil paper and a black silk ribbon. Logan blinks at the surprise.

“This wrapping is quite aesthetically pleas- oof!”

Remus drops a ten-pound box in Logan’s lap, knocking his phone to the ground. Janus deftly moves his gift out of the way. The box is wrapped in yesterday’s paper and tied in a series of reef knots. The top facing article features the latest alligator attack suffered by yet another “Florida Man”.

“Thanks!” Logan squeaks out. “I will just open this first, if you don’t mind, Janus?” The other side nods. 

Logan carefully unties the knots and opens the box - the  _ cake _ box. Because inside is a pale blue frosted cake with rock candy cutting through the side.

“It is beautiful. Is it meant to resemble blue agate?” Logan carefully lifts the cake out of the box and places it on the table.

“It’s meant to resemble a vagina! It’s a vageode cake! I made it last night.” 

“Is this another reference I need to learn?” Logan asks them both, but Janus just shrugs while Remus pokes holes in the cake and laughs.

“Mine next,” Janus reminds him.

“Ah, yes.” Logan accepts the gold package Janus hands him and undoes the bow with one pull. Underneath the foil is a smooth wooden crate holding eight vials.

“Oh! ‘ _ Nerium oleander _ ’. ‘ _ Atropa belladonna _ ’.” Logan starts reading off the labels. “Poisons?”

“And venoms-s-s.” Janus says low. “So you can help Thomas’ competitors- I mean, his fellow actors, take a  _ well deserved break _ . Or, you know, develop life-saving antivenoms, or whatever. Your choice.”

“Thank you? I am not going to poison Thomas’ colleagues.”

“You can test them on me!” Remus winks at him. 

“Surely that won’t be necessary. Although, testing does provide a lot of data.” Logan looks thoughtful for a moment. “Say, do you think- wait, no, that’s unethical.”

“Who cares about ethics, you’re not a doctor! Tell me tell me!” Remus bounces on the cushion, making a horrible sucking sound with each rebound.

“Well, I would need to do some research first. Is it still considered an autopsy if the patient is alive?” Logan picks his phone off the ground and starts opening tabs.

“Wait!” He stops himself. “I’ve got your gifts upstairs. I didn’t know when you would be popping in. I’ll be right back.”

Logan leaves the two sitting on the couch. Janus preens. 

“Another  _ highly _ successful encounter. Do you think he’s caught on to our devious plan, yet?” He smirks at Remus.

“Definitely not. What was the plan again?” 

Janus  _ tsks _ . 

“Our  _ very evil _ plan to befriend the nerd under the guise of traditional holiday celebrations, reconcile all the sides with his help, and thereby help Thomas achieve self-actualization? You know, the ultimate plan?” He squints at Remus. “Did we not go over the plan?” 

“Doesn’t ring a bell.”

“Then why did you make that cake?”

“Cause we harvested all those poisons and I wanted to try my hand at creating a vagina!” Remus tears a chunk of cake off and starts to eat it. Blueberry filling starts to pour out.

“You know they’re not blue, right?” 

“Maybe not the ones  _ you’ve  _ seen.” Crumbs are falling everywhere. Janus withholds any more questions to prevent a bigger mess and texts a warning to Logan not to eat the poisoned cake. 

At that moment, the front door swings open. The pair on the couch freeze. Roman and Virgil start loudly carrying in armfuls of groceries, complaining about the lack of snow. 

“Patton, we’re back!” 

Footsteps upstairs are rapidly approaching. Janus nods to Remus.

“That’s our cue.” They stand up as one.

“Hey!” Virgil shouts. “What are you two doing here?!”

“Villains! We’re being invaded by villains!” Roman cries out, rushing into the living room.

“Now, Remus!” Janus drops out of sight with a swirl of his cape just in time to avoid the explosion of glitter as Remus’ form erupts like a balloon.

When Patton comes downstairs, Roman is standing in the middle of the room spitting out neon green glitter with his sword drawn, and Virgil is ranting about perimeter security and motion detectors, floor sensors and alarms. 

Logan comes down a moment later carrying two gift bags. 

“Hm.” His phone buzzes.

_ The cake is a lie. _

_ Come visit anytime. _

**Author's Note:**

> This is the third of 3 pieces I did for the 2020 sanderssidesgiftxchange event on tumblr. Thank you to Grace for the prompts.


End file.
